


In The Light

by BarefootGirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s09e13 The Purge, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 11:18:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarefootGirl/pseuds/BarefootGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of "The Purge," Sam can't stop thinking....</p><p>(companion piece to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1171552">"No Quarter")</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	In The Light

Sam stared at the ceiling, hearing his own words echo in the silence.  _“No Dean.  I wouldn’t.”_

He’d meant it.  He wouldn’t have done what Dean did.  He wouldn’t have tricked his brother into staying alive….

Sam stopped the thought right there.  All right.  If he was going to be on the honesty kick, he might have. He wasn’t going to pretend he hadn’t gotten a full dose of Winchester mulehead genes, too.  He might have done what was needed to make an end run around Dean’s stubbornness, if he thought the situation was extreme enough  But he wouldn’t have lied after the fact, wouldn’t have pretended nothing was wrong…

He would have, once, though.  He had.  Had kept secrets, had kept worse secrets.  Ruby was always going to be there, the embodiment of his ego and his pride.  But he’d learned the hard way that secrets, those kind of secrets, didn’t work, ever.  So why hadn’t Dean?  Sometimes it was like they weren’t even speaking the same language…

He rolled on his side, punching his pillow down as though that were the cause of his insomnia.  But the clock kept ticking away minutes, and his eyes didn’t close.  He was doing the right thing.  He knew he was.  Even Cas had agreed, reluctantly, and everyone knew Cas would do pretty much anything to keep Dean from getting hurt…

But Cas wasn’t here, to help either of them.  He really wished the angel were here.  Somehow, Dean _listened_ when Cas said something, even when they argued, _respected_ what the angel said, even when he didn’t agree.  Sam didn’t understand it, but god, he missed it, right about now.

Another half-hour went by and he gave up on sleep, getting out of bed and pulling on his jeans.  Maybe a cup of tea… it was clichéd as hell, and Dean would rag on him…

No.  Dean wouldn’t.  Because ragging on someone for drinking tea was something you did to your little brother, not a co-worker.  And he’d give that to Dean, once he’d accepted the “business only” restriction, he’d tried to live with it.  Tried. Except their little blow up that night…

God.  He leaned on the counter, resting his forehead against the kitchen cabinet.  The look on Dean’s face, the betrayal in his eyes.  As angry as he’d been, as disappointed as he’d been, he’d never wanted to _hurt_ his brother.  Just… he just needed to get through to him.  But he talked and talked, and Dean looked at him like he …

His earlier thought came back to him: like they weren’t even speaking the same language.

Maybe…they weren’t.

The thought came like a dam breaking. He was an idiot.  He knew his brother, _knew_ how Dean's brain worked, even when he didn’t want to.  And yeah,  there was shit he’d missed over the years, stuff he’d been too young to notice, or too clueless to understand, stuff that someday, maybe, he’d be able to talk to his brother about, but the one thing he did know was that Dean Winchester was John Winchester’s oldest son, which meant that he only understood need and desire in terms of things he had to sneak in, side trips between duty and responsibility and _obligation_.  Things he had to hide under rough affection and _doing,_ not talking.  Dean Winchester's world didn't have subtleties; it couldn't afford to.

When Sam had said “I wouldn’t,” he’d meant  “I wouldn’t do what you did, I wouldn’t coerce you into changing your mind, I wouldn’t _lie_ because I’ve learned better, and I need you to learn that, too.”

But Dean would have heard, “I wouldn’t….because I don’t care enough to suffer for you.  I don’t care enough to do anything to save you.”

Like he’d eventually given up trying to save Dean from hell.  Like he – soulless – had left Dean to be turned by a vampire, to use him as bait.  Dean never forgot, not good things and not bad.  But he forgave, he _always_ forgave, because he didn’t know what else to do.  Because Sam was Dean's family, but also his _responsibility_. And a failure in that meant he couldn’t ever forgive _himself_.

“Damn it, Dean…”  Tea forgotten, he headed down the hallway, his stride reaching a little more than usual, heading not for Dean’s room, but the garage because damn it, he did know his brother, he knew…

The Impala was gone.

Sam slumped against the wall, staring at the empty space.  The urge to grab his phone, hear Dean’s voice, was strong enough to strangle him from inside.  But he couldn’t.  He _needed_ to _not_. 

“Cas,” he said out loud.  “Cas if you can hear me… take care of him, okay?”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> There's a lot of chatter about "Dean-this" and "Sam-that," with regard to who is hurting more, who is "right" or "wrong" in the current relationship arc. To me, there isn't a right or a wrong, just a lot of miscomprehension built on three decades of John Winchester's training, and their own very real love and desperation.
> 
> (I do believe that Sam would let Dean die, if it came to that. Sam has always been the more detached one, with or without a soul. He's the one who had time in the Real World, a taste of something other than protect-your-partner as the number one rule. But that detachment is also what's keeping him from understanding _how _to explain it to his brother, in language Dean - "I'm not leaving here without you" Winchester - might understand. We really need Cas back, to translate for them...__  
> 
> Or Benny. Oh, Benny...)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _  
> _and, for this story,__  
>  _"In The Light"_  
>   
> 
>  
> 
> _Oh, did you ever believe that I could leave you, standing out in the cold_  
>  I know how it feels 'cause I have slipped through to the very depths of my soul.  
> Baby, I just want to show you what a clear view it is from every bend in the road.
> 
>  
> 
> _And if you feel that you can't go on_  
>  In the light you will find the road  
>    
> Though the winds of change may blow around you, but that will always be so  
> When love is pain it can devour you, if you are never alone  
> I would share your load. I would share your load


End file.
